Parenting Advice from a Scientist

A scientist friend of mine recently sent his congratulations on the birth of our first child, Evangeline Marie, along with some advice he wished to pass on to me.  It was such good advice that I wanted to share it with those of you out there who have children now, will have children in the future, or will interact with children at some point in your lives.

First of all, congratulations!

You have achieved reproduction and have thus secured your genetic legacy, which means that you are a biological success! Good work sir!

A few quick notes about your new offspring:

• If juvenile humans are anything like juvenile fish, and I'm going to assume they are via principles of induction, your baby should shed its remaining yolk sac and be fully self-sufficient by about one week. At this point, your child will no longer need you to supply food and may presumably be released into the wild to forage every few hours. Baby predators primarily include falcons and eagles, but opportunistic omnivores, such as dogs, may be a threat as well. Make sure your baby is properly armed.
• Via observation, I have determined that the primary function of a baby is to convert food directly into poop. It may be wise to invest in some type of methane harvester and convert one vehicle to run directly off of it. This is dependent on the Bahraini gas prices however, so some more math is required to determine the economic feasibility of this option.
• It is never to early to start teaching your child about the horror and danger that is the velociraptor. As soon as you can, you should sit your baby down and watch Jurassic Park, and then have a long discussion about dinosaurs, the dangers of cloning, and fighting creatures that can learn to open doors.

Best of luck Josh! If you need any more science-based advice, please feel free to contact me.